"Please Stop Asking Me To Change"

I just got a terrible, terrible lashing from someone I care deeply about.

The whole story started with me sharing this with the person:

Matthew 5:44 - But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.

And the person said: "I do that with friends, just not with family, hahahaha!"

And I laughed too, and added, saying, "hey, you should consider starting with family, so next time your relationship with husband and children will be good too."

Then the person said "I dont want to get married. If I have to change so I can treat my husband and children better - I don't want to get married."

And I asked, "then you don't want to get married for that reason?"

And the person said "Yes."

And I said, "Ok...even if it's for the better?"

And the situation went downhill when I was told:

"Please stop asking me to change. I don't think that I've done anything wrong (to warrant change)"

Apparently, encouraging the person to adopt change for the better, is bad and a catastrophe. I was told that the person is doing very well, and the person will "upgrade" on their own perspective and change at their will. That I should just back off. That they don't want or need to change for others. That they have no need to change. That they're not over-emotional or that they have any problems. That it's none of my business, and who am I to even (dare) to ask that of them.

I was told that I don't need to fix anything, and they don't "need" fixing. That it's you who needs to change. That I will never think about this conversation at all.


  • I think of how to embrace change all the time, be it painful or not

  • I suggested all I did was to suggest a mild adjustment that they themself had admitted, to have a better relationship and life.

  • Interesting that the same person had said that they don't treat family well, but "hadn't done anything wrong that warrants change". Well, at least not legally.

Apparently, my encouraging to help grow for good is bad, and that I've a problem because "I want to fix everything" - which is pretty interesting feedback, because I am actually very interested in growth and learning. The reference to "I want to fix everything" was brought up because I had shared before that how I learn is to take a step back, identify the entire process and see where's the fault in the chain of events - this is how I analyze, predict and fine tune my life and business.

And it's been working fairly well, if I may say. Praise God.

Perhaps, it's my timing.

Or then again, perhaps it's unsolicited. I'm more apt to believe it's because it's unsolicited. Sometimes, the ache in my heart and mind is so deep, where the intention and medium is good, but not taken well.

It's akin to having to see and experience a child fall and fall again trying to learn to ride a bike, but going through the process of falling and learning...and finally seeing them riding the bicycle confidently and happily - that may be my only solace then.

Hmm. Is this what mentors go through?

Nigel, you've got to stop giving unsolicited advice to people who don't care about it. Though you care, they don't think so. I have to stop wasting my time and energy doing stuff that goes nowhere.

It's so interesting, having this WhatsApp conversation. It's pretty damn tiring dealing with this person, I must say, again and again. I must really stop doing this. I have so much more important and happier things to do, I don't really have to do this. I run a fairly bustling business, I have a happy family, I have a great church, friends and cell group - I don't have to do this.

Come to think about it, I don't really need to have this conversation, but I do think I want to help this person go the next level. Fundamentally, I sincerely wish to help this person, but the experiences I have with this person has not been particularly good, nurturing or encouraging. I'm not even sure I want to help.

Maybe, I'm not the right person to help. Maybe, all I have to do is to keep quiet and enjoy myself, instead of thinking for their future.

But maybe, I want to help too, as I want to help people my papa care about. Or I want to help people I care about too.

Ah, such a dilemma.

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