Home > Blog > Does Hurtful Words Spoken In Anger Not Count?
So this person told me that (hurtful) words dont count when one is angry.
I nudged them by disagreeing - having big or hard or frustrating feelings doesn't isn't permission to hurt another.
You see, after saying hurtful words (or physically hurting the other) that hurts someone else, that doesn't mean the pains disappear after your anger has passed.
In the same line of thought:
Technically, I can, of course, but of course not I disagree - that's the entire point of me writing this.
Hmm...does that also mean that non-hurtful words also dont count? And that should just ignore the words of an angry person entirely? This one perhaps I can consider if in totality, to just ignore the angry person until they calm down.
The problem is, what happens if they dont calm down?
Or that it gets worse and worse?
When is enough...enough?
I'm 42 this year as I write this, and I've been through quite a fair bit of experiences where people who don't know how to manage their anger burst out very hurtful words, including using knowledge of private matters shared in confidence, in their attempts to hurt, degrade, insult or humiliate me.
I can see how when people are upset or angry, they may resort to hurting others be it physically or emotionally or mentally...and I am very clear on this rule:
I welcome all emotions, big or small, positive or negative, BUT I do not welcome ALL behaviors. Especially nasty, rude and abusive ones.
So yes, whilst you can feel upset, disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated etc with any situations or persons, you cannot
Yes, I acknowledge that hurt people, hurt people. Some people have been traumatized and conditioned to hurt others when they are triggered, and I should factor that in.
To an extent, I can...and I have, but that doesn't mean I am an outlet for convenient abuse just because I am softer, more tolerant because of my background as a therapist and for choosing gentler approach to life.
If one needs to see a counselor or therapist (and many of us do!), please do so as quickly and often as you can.
I still stand by the rule of accepting and acknowledging all emotions, and I do not tolerate all behaviors or abuse.
Abusive behavior cannot/isn't justified because of negative feelings as I mentioned earlier.
Another personal example is this person, when they get triggered by my disagreement (even when I was soft in my tone and provided examples and ideas), would aggressively rush to me, coming very aggressively close to me as though physically intimidating that they would hit me. Repeatedly, even right in front of my family and kids.
Hurtful behaviors (reactive or proactive) are a learned behavior and pattern, and if we tolerate or accept it as it is, we just condone and allow more of it to happen, so you need to set boundaries and consequences.
A boundary is a fence, a blockade, if you will, that protects your emotional, physical and mental space and wellbeing.
People who attempts (successfully or not) to breakthrough your boundaries despite your drawing of the boundary lines need to be told of the boundary and consequence of breaking that boundary, which leads to disengagement either low contact or no contact.
Is it punitive?
Yes and no - if you abuse it because you simply want to control another and manipulate, yes, it can be abusive.
However, if you set a healthy boundary for your own physical, emotional and mental wellbeing FROM an abusive person, then no, it's not punitive. It's actually beneficial to protect yourself from such abusive persons, EVEN if they "family" or "someone close" to you.
The abuser will label you a lot of names, because they want to abuse you to allow them into your space, so they can keep abusing or using you, so I recommend low (ideally no) contact from such individuals.
This article became longer and more complex, and to be clear, I am not a mental health therapist. You should seek professional advice and not strangers on the internet (or reddit).
The least complex in the order of parent > spouse > kid...because for parents, they typically will pass on first (as they're older) or you can go low contact or no contact with them if need be. It's similar when dealing with a sibling, as you can have separate lives and are not obliged to hangout with each other.
Note: you are never obliged to accommodate or be tolerant of an abusive family member, spouse or friend. Ever.
Spouse is slightly more complex because there are more emotional, mental and legal ties and footprints - moreso the legal ties than anything, which I highly recommend seeking marriage counseling and professional help. If really cannot reconcile then...only then...consider separation.
Children on the other hand, it depends if they are underage and totally dependent on you (this is unusual unless they have congenital development issues such as autism, ADHD and other sensory processing disorders) then it's on you to guide them unless you have totally burnt out and reach your wits end. Do not wait till it's too late and "bear" with it - seek professional help as early as possible, dont suffer alone. Support is always good.
Older kids, especially those who are independent of you, is similar to dealing with your siblings.
If parents, spouse or kids are physically, mentally and/or emotionally abusive, to me that's red flag for immediate separation and distance for safety reasons.
Variables here can be IF they're going through a novel, hard phase or season in their lives and they lashed out because of it, then it's probably that they need help.
However, if it's a repeated abusive pattern, then they still need help, likely they DONT need your help other than using / abusing you as an outlet for venting or bullying to exert dominance.
This article became longer than I thought, and of course it's bloody complex.
I am not a mental health therapist, so I originally started writing this to counter the point where someone said that whatever a person said in anger doesn't count, and I still hold onto the point that I disagree, because whilst I can accept all emotions, I wont tolerate all behaviors, especially abusive ones.
It can be very complex, so if you need help, please seek professional advice and support as early as possible. Support here doesnt refer to a moaning / bitching / complaining group - I'm referring to actual and real support.
Above all, hurt no one, and if anyone abuses you, dont tolerate or suffer in silence - set boundaries and consequence and leave. I will write on this in a separate article.
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